A vicious cycle.

So I've gained weight.
And none of my clothes fit.
And hell, I don't know what to do.

I start to stress about my favourite pants not fitting.
So I eat. And eat.
And I work in a supermarket.
So I buy food.
And I eat it.
And then I stress more.

I'm in a vicious cycle, one that's hard to admit.
I'm jogging, but I know it won't help much if I keep eating.
I'm so stressed. And so self conscious.
And I'm starting to hate my body.
Hell I've never even cared about my body.
I don't know what to do now though.

What am  I going to do?

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Tall mountains never fall,
at least that's what they say
-but every mountain has its moments
underneath the rain.

Though tall mountains never falter,
they may fall from time to time
whether through a passing avalanche
or the breaking of a vine.

But come the spring time, new blossoms arise,
the snow melts fast, seedlings grow
reaching ever so slowly,
to become a more transfixing, never faltering show.

Growing up

So I went away to England for a month at the end of school. When I came back, my bedroom was a tip because mum stored stuff in there while I was away, and half my clothes were missing because my 12 year old sister had "borrowed" them. And my friends had moved on with their lives, because hell, I was away for a month and they'd gotten used to a routine where I wasn't around.

So I became a recluse for a while. Didn't do much. I hung out at home upstairs in the boiling hot attic watching movies and reading with my little sister, just because. And the weird thing was, is that she was actually enjoyable to be around. She wasn't a pain. She didn't annoy me. And then I realised, she'd grown up. I thought to myself, when the hell did this happen? I don't remember Jess ever being anything other than young and innocent. Never old. Or funny. Nor had she ever cared about her looks, her fashion sense had been the last thing on her mind and I never once saw her brush her hair; all before now. I looked at this girl wearing supre and with some shiny locks reading a novel on the chair next to me and I thought "Shit. My sisters grown up. Soon she'll have boyfriends and she'll be asking me to buy her alcohol". And I thought, man if she's grown up in the short amount of time that I stopped paying attention to her (ie, year 12), then what had happened to me since I had last looked at myself? Because really, when was the last time I looked at myself.

I will report back once I have become brave enough to look in the mirror.

Over and out.

I went for my second run today. I know my life has become so boring that I'm now blogging about jogging.

The thing about jogging though, is how much it hurts. I am so unbelievably unfit. But I've been enjoying myself because even though it hurts, I am determined to get fit. I want to be able to be happy about my body.

I don't care about my shape, or the amount I weigh. I just want to be healthy. There's something about having the ability to think to yourself: "I'm healthy, I eat the right things, I jog a couple of times a week". And having a healthy body means having a healthy mind.

Also I bought a fish. Meet Benedict the Siamese fighting fish:

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I am lost, I am vain,I will never be the sameWithout you, without youWithout you...

I said I'd talk about the new things in my life.Recently I fell in love.
It feels weird to write it down, but it feels good.I love this guy. He's amazing in every way I can imagine, he's not perfect but he's definitely the man for me.
And I just felt like sharing this with the world. 

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All the new things in my life.

1. I finally got a new computer- an Apple Macbook Pro from my dad to use at Uni.
2. I finally met my boyfriends family properly.
3. New house and new neighbourhood as my mum moved in with her partner.
4. New ideas on how to live my life. As cliched as it is, my new years resolution is to start exercising. I mean I started before NYE but I continue now and I hope I keep it up.
5. Beginning university at the end of February and it's scary and exciting and liberating. I cannot wait.

That's all I can think of for now.

Amber x

I'm on a blog frenzy. (For now)

I find myself staring at my blog. Just every now and then I come on here and stare away. I used to love to blog, I was almost addicted to putting my life into words on the internet. Only now the feeling is gone. I don't know what to write about. Do I write about my wonderful boyfriend? My crazy mother? My family who live oh-so-far away or the friends that I rarely talk to these days? Do I talk about my old best friends who are moving back home from Darwin or the university offers that come out this evening?

The thing is, as great as all these things are, I don't want to talk about them. I could, but I talk about them already, to people who I know. I used to use my blog to write the things I didn't feel comfortable saying out loud. My judgements of other people and of humanity, my problems at school and all of that. And even though I knew people were reading it that I knew, it felt less of a burden to say if it was written down.

But instead of wondering what to write, I'm going to compel myself to step outside my comfort zone and write something everyday. So I've got a prompt list for 365 days of photography themes. Which I am converting to written word. And maybe photos if I'm lazy. Here goes it.

Week One- Newness

Waiting for a new life

NYE in Germany

School is over. It's been over for a while.
I've moved house.
I've been to England, Germany, Spain.
I had Christmas with family, New Years with friends in Germany.
I've spent a month with my family overseas, and now I've come back home.

Now I'm ready to start my new life.
But I have to wait, and the waiting I hate.

So here I will post, about the waiting that I hate,
in hope that the time will pass less slowly.

School's Up

Exams are almost over and my world is becoming smaller and smaller by the minute. I feel liberated but at the same time I feel lost without the world that I've come to love over the past 5 years.

Never again will I walk those hallways, buy food from Deb in the canteen, sit aimlessly in SRC meetings wondering how many people didn't turn up, organise functions, run around getting angry at year 8 students and trying to do the best in chemistry even though I hate it.

Now it's time to embrace the future, make the best of what I've got and do all the things I haven't been able to do this year because time hasn't allowed. So hopefully I can get some writing done, maybe I'll be able to get Voix up and running again and I am going to decorate my bedroom (I know I'm so exciting!)

Love,
An Almost Graduated High School Student xx

8 weeks to final exams.

Stress. Oh wow, the stress.
They always said I'd feel it, that I'd delve to deceive it,
but I never believed that stress could feel like this.