The thoughts of Amber.

2012-01-25T20:16:00.001+10:30

I went for my second run today. I know my life has become so boring that I'm now blogging about jogging.

The thing about jogging though, is how much it hurts. I am so unbelievably unfit. But I've been enjoying myself because even though it hurts, I am determined to get fit. I want to be able to be happy about my body.

I don't care about my shape, or the amount I weigh. I just want to be healthy. There's something about having the ability to think to yourself: "I'm healthy, I eat the right things, I jog a couple of times a week". And having a healthy body means having a healthy mind.

Also I bought a fish. Meet Benedict the Siamese fighting fish:

2

2012-01-21T02:22:00.001+10:30

I am lost, I am vain,I will never be the sameWithout you, without youWithout you...

I said I'd talk about the new things in my life.Recently I fell in love.
It feels weird to write it down, but it feels good.I love this guy. He's amazing in every way I can imagine, he's not perfect but he's definitely the man for me.
And I just felt like sharing this with the world.

1

2012-01-18T19:30:00.000+10:30

All the new things in my life.

1. I finally got a new computer- an Apple Macbook Pro from my dad to use at Uni.
2. I finally met my boyfriends family properly.
3. New house and new neighbourhood as my mum moved in with her partner.
4. New ideas on how to live my life. As cliched as it is, my new years resolution is to start exercising. I mean I started before NYE but I continue now and I hope I keep it up.
5. Beginning university at the end of February and it's scary and exciting and liberating. I cannot wait.

That's all I can think of for now.

Amber x

I'm on a blog frenzy.

2012-01-18T14:35:00.000+10:30

I find myself staring at my blog. Just every now and then I come on here and stare away. I used to love to blog, I was almost addicted to putting my life into words on the internet. Only now the feeling is gone. I don't know what to write about. Do I write about my wonderful boyfriend? My crazy mother? My family who live oh-so-far away or the friends that I rarely talk to these days? Do I talk about my old best friends who are moving back home from Darwin or the university offers that come out this evening?

The thing is, as great as all these things are, I don't want to talk about them. I could, but I talk about them already, to people who I know. I used to use my blog to write the things I didn't feel comfortable saying out loud. My judgements of other people and of humanity, my problems at school and all of that. And even though I knew people were reading it that I knew, it felt less of a burden to say if it was written down.

But instead of wondering what to write, I'm going to compel myself to step outside my comfort zone and write something everyday. So I've got a prompt list for 365 days of photography themes. Which I am converting to written word. And maybe photos if I'm lazy. Here goes it.

Week One- Newness

Waiting for a new life

2012-01-18T14:24:00.000+10:30

NYE in Germany

School is over. It's been over for a while.
I've moved house.
I've been to England, Germany, Spain.
I had Christmas with family, New Years with friends in Germany.
I've spent a month with my family overseas, and now I've come back home.

Now I'm ready to start my new life.
But I have to wait, and the waiting I hate.

So here I will post, about the waiting that I hate,
in hope that the time will pass less slowly.

School's Up

2011-11-07T14:20:00.000+10:30

Exams are almost over and my world is becoming smaller and smaller by the minute. I feel liberated but at the same time I feel lost without the world that I've come to love over the past 5 years.

Never again will I walk those hallways, buy food from Deb in the canteen, sit aimlessly in SRC meetings wondering how many people didn't turn up, organise functions, run around getting angry at year 8 students and trying to do the best in chemistry even though I hate it.

Now it's time to embrace the future, make the best of what I've got and do all the things I haven't been able to do this year because time hasn't allowed. So hopefully I can get some writing done, maybe I'll be able to get Voix up and running again and I am going to decorate my bedroom (I know I'm so exciting!)

Love,
An Almost Graduated High School Student xx

8 weeks to final exams.

2011-09-10T20:56:00.000+09:30

Stress. Oh wow, the stress.
They always said I'd feel it, that I'd delve to deceive it,
but I never believed that stress could feel like this.

Thoughts from July

2011-09-10T20:53:00.000+09:30

I read about love in books, listen to it in songs, watch it in an endless stream of movies, yet my understanding of it never widens. I understand love about as much as I understand cars. It's a mystery to me but seems to work for other people.

I have so many questions and almost no answers. No one to ask and no one to tell me if what I'm feeling is merely lust, or adoration, or excitement. The truth is I'm scared of love. Of what love could bring and the love I'm not sure I'll receive in return.

Is there any point being in love right now? How do I know it will last? Everyone says young love never lasts. I believe in love for the rest of your life and growing old with someone and marriage for years and years, but maybe I'm just a fool. Maybe I'm the fool. Maybe I'm the naive girl who hopes for the best in every relationship only to be let down. I shall just have to wait and see.

a world of Pain, a bit of Love and a loss of Words.

2011-07-24T21:16:00.000+09:30

When I stopped trying to write,
I then began to cry,
Where were the words to soothe my pain?
Where were the words to mend my sighs?

Yep. I'm back.

2011-06-17T23:24:00.003+09:30

This blog is in hibernation.

See you when the sun comes out! xx

Old stuff.

2011-05-08T12:18:00.000+09:30

I used to actually write. God. Haven't done that in a while.

if something seems perfect, is it any less real?
shall I give my heart to you, my heart to your heart
will you take it
and give me yours
shall I want you to, or is it an action
of desire and unrequited love

if something seems perfect, will it easily destroy?
shall I give my heart to you, my heart to your hands
will you crush it
and hurt it, cause it pain
will it be tender, or will it sting with agony
will I want to scream and shout
and cry until my pillow is stained from my tears

will it hurt me, like it hurt those I love
those easily deceived and fooled
I am already scared, I know what fear is
but for love, and for pain of love and love of you
I am amiss and uncertain

Lost

2011-04-11T22:35:00.000+09:30

Nothing feels right right now. Everything feels broken.
It's like a great wind has swept me off my feet and I've flown half way across the countryside without a friend to help or anything.

What do you do when everything feels wrong?
Do you give up, hide, find a place to stay and leave the rest of the world behind you?
I normally like to ride things out, see how it ends up or go out fighting. But this time I'm not sure it's worth fighting for.

Naked For All The World To See.

2011-04-05T20:13:00.000+09:30

Nakedness. Vulnerability. We all hate it; no one likes to be exposed.

I find though that without exposing a little flesh, you're never going to get anywhere in life. Not without making everyone think you're cold-hearted and mean (no it's not a good thing).

So how do you expose yourself without feeling like you've stepped over the boundaries? How do you know when to stop, what not to tell? What to keep under wraps and what to fling off on the first date? It's hard to tell.

In a world where people enter your life each day, where friendships grow closer and relationships sizzle and burn, how do you know how much to show?

Low Self-Esteem

2011-04-04T22:53:00.000+09:30

Until I stopped to think about it, self-esteem didn't seem that important. I never thought about what having a low self-esteem could do to someone until someone pointed out that young females are more likely to smoke because of lower self-esteems.

Why do young females feel so bad about themselves? What is it about us that makes every action seem not good enough? Why is the way we look not good enough? Why do we struggle so hard to fit in, only to end up back where we started, struggling all over again?

It's silly really. Role models affect us more. Pictures on the internet make more of an impression. We're more easily persuaded to buy products by advertisements and don't even get me started on not eating properly. In a world where everyone else seems to have figured out that happiness comes from being happy with yourself, why do so many young females struggle to love themselves?

best friends always make you hurt more

2011-03-24T00:09:00.001+10:30

it's only three years,

yet it brings me to tears

as she sits on a chair

and rips my heart out

she likes to make fun,

of everything I've done,

plants seeds in my head

and makes me crumble.

what's a best friend to do,

when they know all your secrets

know all your worries and fears?

and will they keep them,

comfort you to sleep with them

or make you tremble, tremble with tears?

Breakage

2011-03-21T15:27:00.002+10:30

it feels so safe, feels so warm
where's all the hate?
where's the lies, where's the cries,
the normal things that break?
we hit the skies, with dry eyes-

but I'm telling you, I ache,
let me hurt, let me scream
don't you see my cuts, my self-esteem
my past, my history,
never gone, always here,
a never-ending dream

and here we are, all alone
and I don't know what to say,
do I tell you everything?
will things remain the same?

and I'm dreaming, all of you,
you never save me, you never do

it's not so safe, not so warm

I can feel all the hate,

why don't we break?

I don't trust this anymore,

let me hurt, let me scream

don't you see my cuts, my self-esteem

my past, my history,

never gone, always here,

a never-ending dream

kind of awkward & unfinished

2011-03-13T20:39:00.001+10:30

one girl

one frown

runs away, tries to stay

but always feels a little down

frightened girl,

hopes have gone

dreaming of brighter days

for everyone,

always dreaming,

always hoping

to find the mr. right one.

one boy, one smile

brighter days for everyone

taunted nights

screaming fights

lonely nights for everyone

it's always greener

where she's not

never found a place or lot

of smiles, no family

what has she to do but flee?

runs away, can't stay,

never anything to do but play,

she never tries, never flies,

never wants to anyway.

Fifteen

2011-03-12T17:47:00.000+10:30

Self doubt. Lack of self-esteem. Is that not what being a teenager is about?
When it's hard to feel confident around the people you love, it's easy to understand how most people crash and burn in high school.

There's so much pressure to fit into a group, into a type or clique. It's easy to get lost in it, to want to be someone who you're not. It's easy to feel like you're not yourself, or less about yourself, if you don't fit in or if you don't feel like you belong.

All I'm hoping for is the end of it.

Another Quote

2011-03-08T23:25:00.000+10:30

"Not that I didn't care, it's that I didn't know,
It's not what I didn't feel, it's what I didn't show"

A year ago.

2011-03-06T20:20:00.000+10:30

Every now and then I go back and read my old blog posts. I tend to have a habit of picking exactly a year previous.

It's funny how a year can feel like such a short amount of time. A year ago, I was preparing for Relay For Life, feeling excluded from all my friends. A year ago Kate wrote me a note telling me that I didn't have to be strong all the time and to this day it's been stuck on my wall with blue tack. I look at it when I'm sad. So many things can happen in a year, yet reading my old blog posts, it feels like I wrote them yesterday..

And now I'm getting nostalgic. Crap.

Grateful For Some...

2011-03-02T22:46:00.000+10:30

Chocolate.

It cures everything and anything.

It should be named a saint.

Fourteen

2011-02-20T18:54:00.000+10:30

Relationships are all about trust, they say. You build them based on trust and honesty. But what if you don't feel like you can trust someone? If you know they have the best intentions, but at the end of the day you're not sure if they'll remember you when they're drunk at a bar, and there's a really pretty girl flirting with them?

Maybe it's just easier to let go. To not care. But then if we don't care, what the hell is the point in it? I don't want to be someone who dates guys for the hell of it. I'd rather date someone I care about. Even if it means getting hurt sometimes.

I think I just need to learn how to trust more.

Thirteen

2011-02-19T13:43:00.000+10:30

Why, in our worst moments, do we behave so destructively towards ourself and others?

Maybe it's the freedom we feel from doing whatever we want. Maybe it's us trying to forget our other lives, the horrible bits of life. Maybe we're just so caught up in not being who we are, that there's only one more option: to be the opposite.

Whatever the reason, I've never regarded turning to alcohol, drugs or other things has ever helped anyone. When used recreationally, there's less danger in drinking at a party, but when you're depressed, when you hate everything and the world...that's when things go bad. Is it better to just wallow though? Or is having a good time "what you need" to get better?

Twelve

2011-02-15T19:33:00.000+10:30

Parents are kind of shit. They fuck up, they stuff up, they screw you around, don't do what you want them to do. They abandon you, they leave you, they find new families or hurt their old ones. Parents are the creation and the destruction of our lives.

But they're just human. They're just you or me but in twenty years with a kid our age. They're no better than us other than the twenty plus years they've lived longer. You might be smarter than them. You might be less uptight than them. Maybe once they were just like you. Maybe they were your complete opposite.

At the end of the day, parents may be the cause of the crap in our worlds and even thought they may make us feel lonely or hurt or betrayed, we love them. That's why it hurts so much.

More Flapper~ness

2011-02-15T01:15:00.003+10:30

One of my close friends, Hari and me dancing.

Eleven

2011-02-15T01:13:00.000+10:30

No sleep. Again. I feel so tired, so drained of life. I can feel the exhaustion as it winds its way down my spine, through my bones, taking over my muscles. My eyes itch. My nose runs. I feel like crying all the time, yet not from sadness, merely from weariness. Yet sleep doesn't come. I can lie for hours in my bed. Hours of thinking and dreaming and singing and hoping. Hours of sleep.

It's the one thing I've always had. Now I seem to have lost it.
Why did you leave me, sleep? Was I not good enough?

I'll change I swear. Please, just come back.

Ten

2011-02-11T18:42:00.000+10:30

In a relationship if you want to be loved, you must give a little to receive.
Is that not what everyone says?
I'd never really understood the saying properly until I broke up with my first boyfriend.
There's something about a relationship dying because you realise you don't really know each other after months and months of dating, that makes one think about what you did wrong.

I find it hard to tell people things about myself, mainly because I usually sit in the background listening to others. Only, in a relationship there's only two people, it's hard to just sit and listen. Every now and then one must offer a little in return.

The problem being is that a lot of people, like myself, find it hard to trust. It's hard to find the line between "I shouldn't be telling him this because he'll think I'm a psycho" and sharing who you are. So I'm off to find the balance.....so that the next time I'm in a relationship, the other person doesn't realise after five months that they know nothing about me.

Nine

2011-02-08T20:20:00.000+10:30

Do you believe in valentines day?

I don't believe in valentine's day. Not because I'm single and desperate for love.
Not because I hate everyone who's "happy" and in love.
Not because I've never received a card,
but because I believe that we shouldn't need one day a year to express our love.

I believe in the expression of love.
I believe in love as well.
And I think we should celebrate love every day of the year, not just on the 14th of February.

That said, I buy all my friends flowers....and sometimes, it is good to have an excuse to do something special.

Eight

2011-02-05T15:00:00.000+10:30

I hide from the light,
it shows me for who I am.
what is this girl doing here? it asks
I know she doesn't belong

It sees through my lies,
my hard skin plastered in fur
it sees what is meant to be
and what should not occur.

Light is obtrusive,
wakes my sleep with scars too deep
scars of never-ending pain,
never-ending pain and shame

Murky light fades the pain,
fades the truth, the hope, the disdain
I prefer to see myself in the dark,
where I belong

Seven.

2011-02-03T15:29:00.001+10:30

You know those friends who know exactly what to say to get under your skin?
They scratch at the surface for weeks, comment after comment, look after look.
You might of been friends with them for years.

I find that people who've known you for a long time, know exactly how to hurt you the most.
They know what buttons to push, what strings to pull, how to break your heart, ruin your friendships. Most don't. Some do. Well, that's what I find.

It hurts, knowing what they're doing but not being able to control the thoughts that linger-what if they're right? What if I'm screwing everything up?

I don't know what to do now.

Got My Flapper On

2011-02-02T23:17:00.000+10:30

Six

2011-02-01T21:59:00.000+10:30

New school year.
The last of my high school years.
It already feels like a bigger deal than the rest.

Every year, I start out and I say "I'll achieve, I'll try, I won't procrastinate."
And every year, something else is more important.
Someone else is more important.
Or my life fucks up for a small amount of time and it throws me off balance for months.

My wish is that this year, I succeed.
That I try my hardest, study a lot but socialise still.
To have a life but have a future still...
That is my aim.

Five

2011-02-01T21:49:00.000+10:30

Clothing.
Tattoos.
Earings.
Hair.
Make up.

We change parts of ourselves to show the rest of the world that we are different.
That we're not another human shell with no imagination, no hunger for knowledge or creativity.
We strive for some new piece of beauty, the beauty that makes us feel warm.

At least, that's what I see the world as.

Four

2011-01-28T11:14:00.000+10:30

When you catch someone out on a lie,

is it better to confront them or forget about it?

I think I prefer to confront,

but what if you don't know this person very well?

What if you want to be good friends with them?

Does that change anything?

I'm so unresolved, I have no idea what to do.

Three

2011-01-26T19:19:00.000+10:30

I tell you, love songs are bland,
I only listen for the band,
listen to the drums, listen for the beat,
sway my hips along as I sit on my seat
and I think, what is this love that you talk about?
what is this thing you call love?

Two

2011-01-19T17:18:00.000+10:30

I have this friend, we've been friends for ages. She's sometimes one of my favourite people. Then other times, she's not. You know those friends who treat you bad? You see them in movies, you hear about them, maybe you have one? They pick out every single little thing they think is wrong with you and they tell you about it. They copy you. They want your things. Sometimes they take your things. And usually it's to make them feel better about themselves. She's one of them. My only defence is that I've been friends with her for so long that I don't notice it as much anymore. Other people do though, and they tell me.

I stopped being friends with someone a while back for this very reason. Sometimes you realise that a friendship makes you feel worse about yourself, worse about everything about yourself and that you'd rather risk being alone with no friends than stay friends with someone who treats you like shit, to put it bluntly. There's a breaking point in any friendship or relationship where something goes click and you realise that you don't want put up with it anymore. Not sure when that'll be though, here's for hoping that things change.

One

2011-01-17T21:58:00.000+10:30

If I could change one thing about me right now, it would be my ability to write.
Which has become extinct.
I have not written a poem, a short story, a rhyme, a blog or anything in a long time.
This is starting to become horrifying.

Do you believe?

2011-01-14T14:49:00.000+10:30

It's funny how one moment can make you happy.
One more moment, and suddenly you're sad.
It takes a series of moments, all bundled together,
added with a mixture of self doubt and loathing to make you depressed,
yet everyone seems to be depressed.

We all have problems, every now and then, everyone is sad.
Sometimes I wish that people would see themselves,
that they have so much to hope for.
Where's all the optimism gone? Where's the faith?

It's funny, I've been turning to religion for answers lately,
not my own answers, but others.
I think that maybe, in a growing world of atheists who "don't believe" in anything,
we're losing hope in ourselves, that anyone loves us.

I'm not saying that religion is the answer. Not everyone has the capacity to believe.
But I've noticed it can help to know that there's someone watching you.

A much more prolific 2011.

2011-01-03T20:18:00.000+10:30

I've really not been very good at blog posts for the past few months. I used to be so good at them...I could churn them out like rabbits have babies and still have a few ideas for the next week. But somewhere along the way I lost all inspiration to write about my thoughts. You see, over the past few months I've been working on my student magazine named Voix. I've come to realise that in the process of trying to give others a voice, I've lost a bit of my own. One of my goals (written in my friend's christmas present) is to get back that voice. To actually start whining again. I don't know how many of you are still listening, or if any of you ever were, but even if I'm talking to an empty void in cyberspace at least I'm trying.

So here's so a much more prolific 2011.

Merry Christmas

2010-12-26T19:24:00.001+10:30

Merry Christmas everyone in the blogging world!

Diaries

2010-11-28T21:42:00.000+10:30

For the person who reads my diary (my non-virtual one), hopefully long after I'm dead, you will find:

a bucket list of very ordinary things
stick drawings of people in gay marriage
lots and lots of metaphors, sometimes scraped together
a few poems
lots of rambling thoughts
newspaper clippings
and lots of depressing shit. I promise I'm not this depressing in real life (this applies to this blog as well)

That is all :)

Scribbling in the middle of the night #3

2010-11-23T21:39:00.000+10:30

it wraps itself around my heart,
breaks my hopes, my dreams, my love,
it winds its way through life in days
and my dreams of more to come

he breaks me.
I tell you now.
my hopes, destroyed,
my life, gone,
I'm a pawn on a chess board,
waiting to be played.

Acting Out

2010-11-22T00:22:00.000+10:30

Have you ever acted irrationally? Maybe because of a girlfriend or a boyfriend, maybe a lost grade, maybe a lost pay check...I find that the things most dear to us are the things that make us act out the most. We require and expect a lot from the people around us and when they don't meet our expectations, we act out, do things we wouldn't normally, make mistakes and hurt everyone...including ourselves.

I find myself acting out all the time at the moment. It's like I can't help myself. I see a bowl of argument and annoyance and frustration and I jump right in. Maybe I'm bored with my current life? Maybe I feel stifled? Maybe that's why I keep telling myself to break up with a perfectly lovely boyfriend, to ditch all my friends and become a hermit or to forget about my exams.

"Who cares about grades?" The voice in the back of my head says. And then I realise that up until a few months ago, grades were near the top of my list of things I care about. I don't know what's changed, what's happening to me, but I'm not sure I like it.

Lies.

2010-11-15T19:07:00.000+10:30

I keep being lied to.
I know they're lies.
I know the truth, yet I can't come to terms with it.
I don't want to admit that this person is lying.

I'm not sure if I want to realise this.
I'm not sure if I want to catch them on it.
What if I'm wrong?
I keep telling myself there's an explanation.
It's not what I think.

I keep telling myself,
yet every time I believe myself a little less.

"Why’s it always you and never me?

I’ve never dared to let my feelings free"

Voix Magazine: Have a voice? Use it.

2010-10-31T17:47:00.000+10:30

I feel compelled right now to explain why in the past couple of months, my writing on this blog has been minimal at best, and when I do post, they're scribbles of my thoughts not equating to much. As most of you may have seen on my site, I posted a survey for a magazine I was creating. That magazine is the reason as to why I've been absent. I've been so focused on that magazine that it, along with school work, hasn't left much room for blogging. However, the magazine is now up and running.

You can see it here and I would be very honoured if you commented or subscribed OR if you're a student with an opinion or creative side, you can always submit articles, creative writing (max 3000 words), artwork (high res. photos) to admin@voixmag.net.

Now that the site doesn't require around the clock care and my English exam is almost here (on monday!) I might actually start writing again. Yay!

Amber x

Thoughts.

2010-10-29T22:19:00.000+10:30

I'm loosing hope in this. Loosing hope in myself.
When will it become to much for me?
When will all those old feelings come back?
I feel them twisting, turning, creeping up my spine.
They wander into my thoughts,
and my dreams late at night.

They whisper, whisper
and I forget about how I love you,
I forget that you sometimes care.
I forget that I hurt you. That I've been spontaneous
and erratic and silly before.

I don't know if I could do that again.
But sometimes I want to.
I want to leave.
I want to run away from you and your demands.
The way you shove things down my throat,
without uttering a word.

It's scary how much I care for you,
except all we do is fight.
We shout and scream and hate and hate,
and then go to bed for the night.
It's forgotten in the morning,
except for that one little thought.
It sits there waiting.
For the edge.
The edge of my sanity.
For when I lose control.

Scribbling in the middle of the night #2

2010-09-21T21:50:00.002+09:30

, originally uploaded by A Contemplative Daughter.

laying in the dark, don't we seem clearer now?
I can see your face, your eyes,
they don't love me, they love the skies,
they love the free, the far away,
and me, I'm locked in a prison.

Judgemental Woes.

2010-09-20T18:25:00.001+09:30

I am selfish, I am devastatingly malicious.
I don't let people in, I don't let secrets out.
I prefer to be alone than to be with someone,
I prefer to be alone than to be with anyone.

I'm judgemental of those who act childish,
yet I love children.
I seem judgemental,
yet I'm a bad judge of character.

I don't want to be this way,

I want to be forgiving, loving and kind

but every time I strive for it

I get hurt all over again.

I want to connect with people,
yet every time I speak I regret what I say.
That's why I love to write, at least
the words on my page make sense and don't devastate.

There's nothing left to say.

2010-09-13T18:05:00.000+09:30

I feel invisible, unseen, unnoticed and undetectable. Maybe you don't see me because you don't see anyone. Or maybe I'm just the wallpaper to you, waiting until you notice the cracks and the peeling. I'm still invisible though. Waiting here until you notice the sadness behind my eyes, and every day the scared look I give you between lie after lie. Maybe you'll notice it one day. I just hope I'm still around for you to fix me.

The end of the world.

2010-08-03T21:33:00.000+09:30

Once you think about it, you'll realise. At the end of the world, there won't be hate. As the world turns upside down, planes fall, people starve and children wander streets aimlessly, it won't be hate that the world cries out in.

It'll be love. And the phone lines will be blocked, internet will crash, people will run as far as they can to get home to their loved ones. And it'll all be to say "I love you".

If the world dies, if it ends and I don't get the chance to say it; I'd like to say it here. I'm too much of a coward to say it to your face.

I love you, I love you, I love you. Don't forget it.

I need not comment.

2010-08-02T21:12:00.000+09:30

Everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night’s sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too.

-Lemony Snicket.

Scribbling in the middle of the night #1

2010-08-02T20:13:00.001+09:30

Tell her, there's not much use in trying,
Cause I've been trying all the time,
I've been trying all the time,
To find something to make you mine,
And all that I ever find,
Are lost sentences in my mind.

Calling all the creative people out there.

2010-07-20T19:22:00.000+09:30

So, I can't be bothered posting about strangers today, buuuut:
for all those of you whom are CREATIVE, I have a challenge.

I'm setting up a student online magazine for those around Adelaide (though those far away can still read) and I need a name! I've been asking everyone I know, I posted it on facebook...but no one's come up with anything yet.

So I'm asking, think about it..ask your friends, link this post to anyone and everyone who could come up with a suggestion. I need this name fast!

A harsh world.

2010-07-18T15:39:00.000+09:30

I was in the city yesterday and while waiting for a bus home with my friend, a blind man approached us. He asked if we knew when the bus came and so I checked for him (on my phone). He was really nice, slightly creepy but a little sad. I know that his eye would probably have put off most people and some probably would have ignored him because of the way he looks. Is that what humans have reduced themselves to though? Outcasting people for something they can't help?

Talking to people makes you appreciate the world more, I think. You can't sit around and ignore everyone, otherwise you'll get nowhere in life (not the best thing) so I think more should be accepting of what is different and seems scary. Really, the man just wanted someone to find out the bus time for him. And to talk to for a couple of minutes. It must be lonely, not being able to see.

Hunting.

2010-07-14T19:28:00.001+09:30

So, this hunting for a job has got me thinking. I wonder how many opportunities my friends pass up because of not knowing what to do to get a job. A lot of my mother's friends have been giving me tips over the past few weeks. "Go in and introduce yourself to the manager", "list everything that seems useful on your resume", "don't put your facebook on your resume" (I don't think I'm that stupid...), "get a written reference from your boss".

But I realise that quite a lot of teens my age would have no idea what to do. And they don't have nagging forty-something year olds telling them things to do. One of my friends went around to most of the "hiring" type of stores in the city and gave them her resume. But, she never recieved any replies. Sometimes I wonder if trying to get a job in Adelaide without knowing people is useless. If your mother's best friend's son's mate's mother isn't the manager at some lovely store that can hire people in high school, well...you're screwed. If you don't have some tafe course in retail or hours to work during school time then you're screwed. Is there really any chance to find work in a place other than mcdonalds in this town?

Youth Voice

2010-07-13T13:12:00.000+09:30

So I've started writing for a social media blog called Social [Media] Butterflies, as their "youth voice" .

Go see my post at http://socialmediabutterflies.wordpress.com/!

Loss of Hope?

2010-07-12T18:58:00.000+09:30

So, a stranger I talked to today: Potential New Boss.

Today I went for a job interview. I think it's the most nerve racking thing one can do at my age, or any age really. And unfortunately for me, the stranger I met today's impression on me could affect whether I get a nice new job or not.

The first thing I noticed were her eyes, and that she kept me waiting for ages so I read my book for English for a bit. She had really nice light blue eyes and it was kind of scary looking into them for so long but I felt that if I looked away I would make a bad impression. It started out as a "do you like where you're working now?" and evolved to a "oh that's nice that you just got made supervisor" and then to "most of our employees are university students, so we try fit around their lectures". Hopes for a job suddenly seemed a lot more limited, but she seemed nice so I won't lose all hope, just a little....

Back tomorrow for more of my stranger danger rule-breaking.

Hello Stranger.

2010-07-11T17:52:00.000+09:30

I've gone off blogging lately, it's a bit sad for me. However, I had an idea. I was flicking through the latest frankie magazine and I started reading an article my friend Katt told me about. The author of this certain article, namely Cara Cooper, insinuated that she was a bit shy. Which was a bit ironic considering her month challenge: talk to a stranger(s) everyday. But while she didn't normally talk to strangers, she sounded like she did alright. I think that some of her awkwardness may have hindered the fantastic conversations she could have had, but that's what got me thinking.

I am known by my friend to be the one that can start talking to just about anyone out of the blue. I'm not really scared of talking to people I don't know (though get me on a phone and I'll tremble and end up upside down turning blue in the head....don't even get me started on optus helpline) and I was thinking, why don't I start talking to strangers for a month? Though there are somedays I don't get out of bed, let alone anywhere I can talk to a stranger, that doesn't necessarily mean I can't do something...so here it is.

For the next month or so, I'm going to start up conversations, ask people about themselves, do whatever it takes for amusing myself. And I'll report back here. Somehow. Everyday. Hahaha! How ridiculous, it's been months since I posted every day on here. I won't promise but I'll try.

Ohhh, and there's currently 2 views to 3000 on my blog. Thanks to you kids who keep coming back despite my terrible updating. Talk to you tomorrow!

Ps. I test drove this today and talked to my indian taxi driver on the way home from work. The conversation was slightly awkward but nice. He works from 6am most days of the week, but he doesn't work nights. And he gets to go home if he doesn't have a job. We talked about the horrible~ness of working in a taxi at night on weekends and the racism of some people. He said it'd be bad for him to work nights, people are horrible when they're drunk. And high. And you know......haha!

Over and Out.

Please fill it in! I need help :)

2010-07-06T16:52:00.002+09:30

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It is dark now.

2010-06-28T17:23:00.001+09:30

But for now, the light turns off when the moon draws near,
Bruises fade, new ones come alight,
And she whispers to herself in the dead of the night,
A head on her pillow, face covered in fear,
'One day, one day, it'll be alright my dear'.

image found at: http://weheartit.com/entry/2442775.

I am lost. I am lost.

2010-06-27T21:02:00.000+09:30

I'm scared,
and tired of this,
this ever lasting bliss,
where's the hate,
the fights of late?
Aren't lovers meant
to produce great
conflicts and fights beyond.

I never knew,
anything other than you,
but I knew you,
through and through.

And now you're with her,
where's the hate?
The fights I await?
The rows where you run
right back to me?

What am I to do-
without love and greatness
and you?
I am lost. I am lost.

I must try harder.

2010-06-21T18:12:00.000+09:30

I must try harder. I must try harder. I must try harder. I must try harder. I must try harder.

I must stop myself from blogging instead of writing that physics assignment,
or sitting on msn when I could be doing some maths revision.
I must stop thinking about people and boys and all my not-really-problems and
do some work.

As many of my fellow procrastinators know...it's nice to tell yourself "you must".
It's easy to tell someone else to, it's easy to tell yourself you must.

But it doesn't work, not really.

Would You Want To Live Forever?

2010-06-14T22:42:00.002+09:30

When I got asked this, I wasn't quite sure how to respond.

I mean, one one hand,
You have the ability to learn
As much as you want,
And watch the world grow.
You get to see scientists cure diseases
And watch our world evolve,
probably to something,
We can't even dream of.

But then on the other,
There's the loneliness,
The probability of our world deteriorating,
And falling into a bottomless pit of destruction,
Seeing the horrific parts of life,
And watch whole species die out.
Watching all your loved ones die.

So I think, if I were to live forever, I'd want to have someone else.
But I wouldn't necessarily reject the idea.

Bye bye dignity.

2010-06-13T14:17:00.000+09:30

Putting yourself on the line- it's hard isn't it? The thought of all that rejection will suffocate any decent proposal before it hits the throat. Yet we do go through with it. Why do we do it? Is the thought of that great life so great, that the chance of our dignity flying out the window doesn't matter? Or is it easier to slide through life expecting everything to come our way?

How do we know? What to do, or what to say? How do the words form through the gag, how does one put themselves on the line? Is it better to be an optimist or a pessimist?

Because I'm a pessimist and an optimist.
I choke, every time.
But I don't want to.

Fairies with bluebell hats.

2010-06-12T19:32:00.000+09:30

I love forests. I was reading Margg's Blog and got inspired..

I grew up in England, so I grew up with forrests and fairies at the bottom of my garden who lived on top of the mushrooms and wore bluebells as hats. One of the first house's I remember was opposite a forrest. Once day a fox came out and we all went outside and watched for a while.

I knew the track through that forest like the lines on my hand. I went there every time I could, with my wellies and my raincoat and I picked flowers and everything.

Forests are magical. Moss grows everywhere and there's little streams dancing around the place. In autumn, it's the best, with all the leaves.

But now I live in Australia. Adelaide. Don't get me wrong, I love it here. But it's so...barren. There aren't forests of the kind I grew up with. There's lovely hills and stuff, but Adelaide will never ever have those forests in your back yard. I miss it. Every now and then. Those are the times when I wish I could visit home.

Connect Me Up.

2010-06-10T15:09:00.000+09:30

So, I've had no internet for over a week now. Thanks to the lovely internode hotspot at Cibo in the city, I have some for a while....

I was thinking the other day about how much I rely on the internet. In this world, we seem to not be able to function without a wireless connection in our homes, and facebook on our phones.

This week I've really enjoyed not having internet. I went to bed earlier, and was less tired the next day. I played on the Sims 3 game I bought last year for a ridiculous amount of money and killed a few people (it's a great stress relief). I made dinner for several people, had a couple of lovely phone calls....and now my internet is back.

And now I'm faced with the challenge. Will I have enough self restraint to keep going to bed early? Will I go out, or will I sit on msn at home? I think only time will tell. I'll probably go back to msn, and facebook with a sigh of relief, but maybe...just maybe...this week will have changed me for the better.

A question.

2010-05-31T21:15:00.000+09:30

What's your mask hiding?

Dear Madam, you have a letter.

2010-05-28T14:38:00.001+09:30

I have started writing letters.
Letters to my friend Kate.
Letters to describe my feelings that day.

Everyone loves letters,
whether hand delivered or sent by mail,
they'll always make your day.

So I've started writing letters.
To put everything on paper,
and make her day.

Stand up and talk.

2010-05-24T17:15:00.000+09:30

If you're complaining about your life...change it.

If you're struggling, do something.

I'm sick of people complaining about what they can change.

There's always something you can do.

You just need to speak up, talk to someone.

Stand up for yourself. For once.

Letters to Crushes

2010-05-19T18:11:00.000+09:30

"You know when you go to the pet store and there are haughty self-righteous fish swimming around in the tank, and there's one dorky sweet looking one in the corner? Yeah, I know there's other fish in the sea, but there's only one of you. You're that fish in the corner and I don't want any other damn fish, I just want you."

Yes...I've been reading letterstocrushes.com after seeing it posted on a friends wall. There's something adorable about crushes, letting people know you fancy them by mail. I'm a sucker for romance. Some might not know that about me. I read these letters and I think...isn't all anyone wants in this world, is to be loved? If not by a lover, then by a friend, or a sister or a father. So let someone know that you love them, someone who you don't usually tell. Or someone who makes your day better just by being them. Because you'll probably make their day.

image found at: http://tivate.com/articles/20-ways-to-say-i-love-you

I shall stab you for what you just did.

2010-05-16T20:23:00.001+09:30

Revenge.

I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Not because someone has been pissing me off lately, but because we're reading Hamlet in English.

Is revenge really worth what you think it is? Does it really help when you finally plunge your knife into the back of your enemy? Hamlet seems to think so but I'm not sure it's worth the fuss. I always wonder whether you end up worse off when you attack things. Most of the time, people do things to you just to enrage you....provoke you and make you argue with them. They get bored, and that's a form of entertainment. I'm usually the type to scream right back, but lately I've been walking away...because I hate conflict, I don't need any more of it...and really, it's not worth it in the end.

So is revenge ever okay?

Hello Monster, How Are You Today?

2010-05-11T21:13:00.000+09:30

Your mother lied.

When you were really young and you woke up one night and you'd had a bad dream and you were scared and you asked your mum (or dad) if monster's were real. She lied. She said they weren't real, yeah?

It's a lie. She probably didn't even realise she was lying. But she was. There are no monsters with green fur and gigantic teeth hiding under your bed at night wanting to come and eat you (if there were, the geeks would be onto it...) but there are monsters in the world. They are real.

They have their own beds though. Sometimes their own homes. Sometimes they live in yours. Monsters are everywhere. Your boss, your teacher, your bully, your ex-boyfriend, your ex-girlfriend, your next-door-neighbour, your best friend. They're everywhere you turn. And they're not always a monster, so it's hard to keep track.

But there's one monster, it's the scariest of all. It's the one that keeps people awake at night. The one that hurts and twists and makes you cry, makes you hide. It eats away inside of you and doesn't let you out. It's real. It's not attention seeking, you're not the little boy crying wolf. It hurts. It's exhausting.

Depression always was scary.
It's just in your mind, not hiding underneath your bed.

We are perfect mirrors of each other.

2010-05-10T14:12:00.001+09:30

"we are the perfect mirrors of each other - which is why war never works..."

and why no matter what, you always find home with your family.

quote from Helen Robinson: found here

I've been lying.

2010-05-04T19:00:00.001+09:30

It's easy to pretend,

To hide behind the lie.

Lies are easy, they don't require talking

Nor the hugging and the sympathy.

It's easy to pretend,

You can fool yourself that way,

You can go for days and weeks and months,

Pretending you're okay.

But lies are addictive,

Sometimes it's got to stop,

Until one moment, you look back,

And realise you're atop,

A giant pile of mess,

One that you can't remove,

Without hard work and pain,

And nothing with which to use.

So lie all you want,

Dream for days on end,

Because when reality hits

the back of your mind,

It's the last happy moment you'll spend.

Reality

2010-04-30T23:54:00.001+09:30

So forget all your fathers and mothers,
The reality that has become so clear,
They are not the perfect creatures.
once imagined in your mind,
They are the devil, the creatures of the night,
Who draw at your blood, and will to survive.
As they tell you to leave every night.

Written Word.

2010-04-28T23:16:00.000+09:30

School essays. They never cease to amaze me. I can write quite well. I'm not fantastic, but my grammar is up to standard and sometimes I actually use passion in my written word. But when it comes to school essays, I feel like I'm bullshitting for the entire essay. I feel like I'm betraying my love of words for another mediocre grade on a lousy essay that I did the night before it was due. It hurts that I could make myself feel this bad about my writing, but somehow I seem to always manage to find the right insult to hit my own gut.

I think we all do that. When we want something really bad, we'll put ourselves down and tell ourselves we can't do it, because that's instinct. But then you see those people who tell themselves they can do it. Who start the day they get the assignment and make it 3000 words long. The people who you envy for the whole of your high school life. And you think, hey I wish I was one of those people. Unfortunately, I will never be one of those people, I will probably always be someone who leaves it until 11pm the night before it's due...or three weeks after to start. But I did always hope...and I did try once, it didn't work out. I guess I should just accept it...I will never be able to write essays.

You're wrong, love doesn't hurt.

2010-04-27T16:36:00.000+09:30

"Everyone says love hurts, but that isn't true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt."

I blog this, because I think we all forget from time to time, that love is wonderful, not horrible. We should embrace love, not cower away. Without love, where would we be?

Image taken by me...and can be found at my flickr.

Please Don't Stick That In My Mouth.

2010-04-26T13:07:00.001+09:30

I'm scared of the dentist. No joke. I always used to think that people who were afraid of the dentist were weird, or stupid...or just plain silly.

It's just a chair, with a stick...and a man who wants to go inside your mouth with some dangerous looking metal instrument. But now...

All I can think about when I think about the dentist is that, dentists hate my teeth, they seem to own an obsession with perfect teeth which I don't. They always want to give me braces. And they always stare into my mouth and make criticizing remarks on the way I brush my teeth. And they stick metal things in my mouth and poke around.

So, yeah, I'm scared of visiting the dentist, but I find it quite a valid phobia.

image from: http://floatinthots.wordpress.com/

Mothers and Parents.

2010-04-24T10:07:00.001+09:30

I've noticed..the older you get, the less perfect your parents seem.
I remember, as a child believing that my mother and father were the gods gift to earth...that they were perfect, that they loved me all the time, that the reason they could tell me off was because they'd never done it themselves..

But lately, it's not the case. I think as we become older we start seeing everything we were blind to before. That our parents cry, that they make mistakes, say the wrong thing...tell you off for something they've done a million times.

But despite all the stupid arguments I have with my mother...over the stupidest of things, and despite wanting to slit each other's throats everyday and storming off in a huff every time one of us makes a simple comment: we do love each other. Even though my mother's not perfect, she's still pretty goddamn brilliant.

And I want to know why anyone else would think differently.

I embark to the seventeenth year.

2010-04-22T23:05:00.000+09:30

So another year has past in the land of Amber.

Since my last birthday,
I have... revisited my hometown,
Gained a new wardrobe,
Thirty more scarves,
Tried to be less bitchy,
Had a nice hair cut,
Only for it to grow out,
Twice,
I've behaved stupidly,
Done stupid things,
Made memories,
Fought with my mother,
A lot,
Stayed friends with all the important people,
Made new ones,
Donated to charity,
Stressed myself out beyond belief,
Let friends down,
Helped friends up,
Revisited old music tastes,
Danced for long periods of time,
Been heart broken,
Loved with all my heart,
Loved with little of my heart,
Smiled, at everything and anything,
Watched my sister grow up,
Become myself.

Until my next birthday,
I want to take it slow,
Keep my friends,
Stop arguing with my mother,
Cook more,
Read more,
Stop procrastinating,
Sleep long, lovely, sleeps,
Write many more blogs,
Talk to many more amazing people,
Make many new friends,
Do well in English,
Do no more assignments on triangles,
Have another girly sleep over with L&A.

Have fun!
Think lots,
Dream big.

Hurt.

2010-04-20T17:41:00.000+09:30

You're hurt,
You're distraught,
You never thought
It could be worse,
That it could hurt more,
That to be unloved,
Would feel so terrible.

You're hurt,
And full of hate,
It seems like some,
Awful spell of fate,
But you still try,
Despite it all.

Because it's love,
And love isn't easy,
It's hard,
You fuck up,
You tell yourself,
A million times,
It'll be fine,
They'll notice you,
Notice you're upset.

And you keep hoping,
Even though you're hurt,
And they make you feel,
Like grim and crap and dirt,
And that someday,
Maybe it'll all be okay,
That you won't have to pray
You'll have your own life,
And they'll be far, far away.

She could be bleeding.

2010-04-14T23:41:00.000+09:30

It only takes the prick of a pin to bleed.

You may think that what you're saying, what you're telling everyone behind your friends back is harmless, nothing. That it won't hurt them at all. But people forget that it doesn't take much to hurt someone. It doesn't take much to hurt the trust of a friend...and if you keep using that pin to pierce their trust, then they're not going to be your friend for much longer.

I know, I know. We all bitch. We all talk about our friends. We all moan and hate at times. But the key is limiting yourself. Doing it when you're angry with someone is fair enough (in my opinion). All the self-help books in the world couldn't stop me from moaning about someone if they've decided to be an arse. But cold blooded bitching, sniping at people when they don't actually deserve it, it's all got to stop. Think before you speak your mind. Because it's not overrated at all: it's common sense.

Because nobody wants to be friendless.

Life is great, thanks.

2010-04-12T00:31:00.000+09:30

It takes a great man to say "Hey, my life's good" and mean it. Because we'd much rather complain and complain and complain about problems that aren't really worth the fuss.

And I've decided, I'd much rather be friends, date and love the people who know that life is sometimes shit, but would rather believe it's not, than be friends with someone who's head is so far away thinking about all their problems, that they miss the great stuff that comes along.

So, yeah I'd rather be naive than cynical.

Party Playlists.

2010-04-10T15:14:00.000+09:30

Okay, I wish to know all your favourite music again. I had a birthday party this week (yay for turning older!) and it got me thinking... There's always certain songs that everyone gets up and dances to.

So, if you were making a party playlist, old or new, what music would definitely be on there?

Amber's Loves.
JET - Are You Gonna Be My Girl
Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen ♥
The Grease Mega Mix
It's Raining Men - Original or Remake (this one's for all the girls on Wednesday night)

Live Your Life...and Drink it too.

2010-04-08T10:59:00.000+09:30

I was given a book for my birthday (big surprise here....I love books, my friends know this) and it's called "Now Is The Time". It goes on to describe 170 ways to seize the moment. 170 ways to remind you to live your life, expand your horizons, have fun and take that moment that sits in front of you and live it. I think its a lesson we can all learn.

We've forgotten how to live, with our credit cards and tv shows and computers with msn. Worrying about work and diets and looking skinny. I think somewhere along the journey, everybody forgot that you don't need to worry....you only have one life. What's the point in wasting it worrying on that tiny bit of fat on your thighs, or that some boy you fancy can see you dance? Children don't, so why do we adults* worry so much.

"Australians have a saying "Have a go!" It means stop hesitating and make a determined effort. Too often we're hamstrung by fear of failure. Or we hold back, waiting for the perfect moment. Sometimes we should just give it our best shot." (Book)

So I encourage you, the next time you see that puddle in the ground. Jump in it.....you would of as a child. So why shouldn't you as an adult...have fun. Live your life. Don't give a fuck about what the person next to you thinks.

Otherwise, it'll all be wasted.

In a perfect world, everyone would be fat.

2010-04-06T09:11:00.006+09:30

To dream...and dream...and dream.

Of having no rules, no obligations.

Nowhere to be, nowhere to go.

Of no one too look after

And no one to follow.

But really, what would life be

If everyone was skinny?

And we all had everything

That we ever really wanted.

What would life be,

Without effort and sweat

And long queues for hours

Without running to catch a bus,

Or lying to your teacher.

So, maybe in your perfect world

Everyone is skinny, with perfect

hair and perfect skin

And great jobs, and lives.

But I don't. Because that's not life.

I like the struggle.

It makes things interesting.

It makes things intriguing.

It creates worth.

It makes things perfect :)

Raw Nerves.

2010-04-04T16:26:00.001+09:30

There comes a point, a point of no return, of no hope and no promises and no love. And when you hit that point, you'll tell yourself that there's not much that you can do to make it better.

But you can live. And stop waiting. And go out there and dream and forget and want and live your life because that person you've been waiting for doesn't really care. They never really did. But that's okay. Because even though you've disillusioned yourself into believing that you don't care either, you do, and that's okay too. It's called being human. You can love something and hate it too. They aren't opposites, they never ever were.

And I've hit that point. I told myself there was nothing. Absolutely nothing I could do. I sat at home, without hope, without love and without any real promises of return.

But I'm going to live now. I'm not going to wait. I'm sick of waiting. I've waited for everything my whole life. And now I realise just because you wait for it doesn't make it better or more exciting. You get hurt exactly the same way.

Here comes my little bit of hope. That someday it'll be better. That we won't argue, that I won't be alone. And here I come to a stop. I'm not waiting anymore. I'm going out to live my own life.

See you when I get back xx

Self-Love

2010-03-30T20:31:00.001+10:30

You're selfish.
Admit it, you are.
Humans are creatures of the self.
We love to look at ourselves in shiny bits of glass,
as we walk down the street.
We love to buy coffees and clothes and shoes,
and watch our lives go by.
We contemplate about our problems.
We complain about what cannot change.
And what we can.
We love to leave the ones we love,
and go after the ones we think we do.
We're selfish.
It hurts others.
Even when we don't realise it.
They cry, we laugh. They sob, we smile.
They watch, silently...as we think about ourselves.
And they think about themselves too.

It never changes, even if we wish it so.
Selfishness.

What are you to do?

When you need help,

2010-03-26T21:18:00.000+10:30

You're an amazing person, I've never met anyone so dedicated loving of her friends. I've never met anyone that's actually cared as much as you. And people go to you. They go to you for help, for love, for cuddles and for rants.

But I wonder. Who do you go to for help? Who cuddles you? Who loves you?

You're my best friend. I've loved you since coldplay and I still love you now. I've come to you for help before, I've come to you to cry but now I'm offering. Whatever you need, I'll give you. Because I do love you. And I do want to cuddle you. And I'd love to help you.

What Is Love?

2010-03-26T17:18:00.001+10:30

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds: 'What does 'love' mean?'  The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. Answers:

(my thoughts are in italics)

 'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'

 Rebecca- age 8

 'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.' Billy - age 4

  'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.'

 Karl - age 5   (I love good smelling boys)

'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs. ' Chrissie- age 6

  'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired. '

Terri - age 4 (or laugh when you're sad)

'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
My Mummy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss'
Emily - age 8

 'Love is when my mummy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'

 Hannah - age 5

  'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.'

 Bobby - age 7

  'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.'  (awwwww, I would find this weird, but it's cute nonetheless.)

Noelle - age 7

  'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.'

 Mary Ann - age 4

  'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (way too many cartoons for this girl.) 

Karen - age 7

  'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget. '

Jessica - age 8 (how very very very true.)

So, it seems that young children know love better than we do. I for one, have never been able to describe it. Let me know your thoughts.

I apologise, this may be boring.

2010-03-24T17:37:00.003+10:30

I apologise, my words may seem harsh, and never kind.
I apologise, you believe I never listen, the truth is I often don't know what to say.
I apologise, I come to you with all my silly problems and you have so many of your own.
I apologise, I let myself believe that I loved you.
I apologise, that you found out that way. I really wanted to tell you myself.
I apologise, for not being there because I was selfish.
I apologise, I see your upset words, but I'm not coming to your rescue.
I apologise, my first impressions of you were incorrect.
I apologise, I don't call you often enough-- I hate that you never call me.
I apologise, you're new and overwhelmed and I should of tried harder to make you feel welcome.
I apologise, you've given me everything and all I do is say no.
I apologise, for making myself seem scary. I'm actually really nice. I'd love to be your friend.

I apologise; that I'm not stupid, that I don't let people push me around. That I care what you think about me, that I am human. That I'm not stuck up; like you first thought. That I can hold a conversation. That I like silence. That I don't like the same things as you. That I'm not like everyone else.
But really, I shouldn't be apologising. That's me.

Inspired by the post "I like to apologise" by myphoneisapanasonic.blogspot.com

She still loves you, you know.

2010-03-20T11:42:00.000+10:30

I love this picture, because of what it stands for. So many of us cling to that old relationship, that person we used to love, even when the time has come and gone for us to move on. It's hard to move on quickly, especially when the other person breaks up with you. They've had time to adjust, and you haven't. So somehow, even though you never thought you would be- you end up being the weird ex who's still in love with him and stalks him on facebook everynight.

It's something we never want to admit, never want to act upon. We can't let go. And sometimes we don't want to. Because letting go means feeling alone....and that's scary.

One of my closest friends went through a difficult time after she broke up with her boyfriend. I didn't really understand it, I always thought she was mad. That she should just move on and find a new one. but then I went through my own dramas. A few infact, and I began to realise what she must of been feeling. And that's just it. Only the people who've experienced it will ever really understand.

So, when you look at this picture...and you think 'wow, that person's needs a life'. Remember, just because you don't know the feeling doesn't mean its not out there...that you won't ever experience it.

Because you will. At some stage, one day, someone will rip your heart out and somehow, you'll still end up loving them a year later.

I'm coming back, I promise!

2010-03-20T00:17:00.000+10:30

I've been realising more and more lately how little I know about the people whom surround me.

So I've been trying to step back, take a peek inside the minds of others. Notice what they're doing. I seem to be so distracted with my own world that I forget to check in on my friends every now and then.

It's sad. But it's reality. It sucks. But it's life.

So tomorrow, and the next day and the next, I'm going to listen to the words of others. I'm going to ignore my own problems, because I actually don't think I have any right now...and I'm going to listen to the worried voices of those people who have been so desperately trying to get my attention for so long.

Sorry guys, for being out of the picture. I promise, I promise: I'm back.

Love Kate

2010-03-16T16:57:00.001+10:30

I love it when friends know exactly what to say, or do, when you don't seem to be able to smile. I wasn't feeling that great the other day, I had a shit day to be honest. I went home early, and when I got back to school my friend gave me a book. "Girls Rule" It read. Then continued with "...a very special book created especially for girls". I laughed so much reading it.

And then I discovered the note my friend had left in the front of the cover.

"You know you don't have to be strong all the time; there are people around you who will catch you if you fall."

I felt so happy after that. It's always nice to know you have a friend who's looking out for you. If there's no one to catch you when you fall, then well....where would I be? Where would you be? Friends often don't appreciated each other enough, they bicker and fight- but how often do you give your friends hugs and tell them you love them? That you're going to catch them? What about your mum? Your sister? I know I don't appreciate my friends enough, so I'm going to try harder to. I love them all, so I think I better start showing that.

Keep Walking

2010-03-15T22:34:00.001+10:30

We all want things in life and we all want different things, but that reaction when you find yourself wondering if you can do it, is exactly the same in everyone. You get to a wall and you stop. You go to catch a bus and you get scared. It happens to the best of us, we all get scared.

But something I've learnt, something I pride myself on believing is that you shouldn't waste your time by stopping at every hurdle, I prefer a slow down and then a brisk walk in the opposite direction. Taking risks, knocking down the wall, catching the bus; its all just another part of making life enjoyable. You have to live through the shit stuff so that when life is good, you notice it. And you have to take risks to achieve your dreams--so, for once my dear friends, the next time you go to stop yourself, keep walking. Who knows, your dreams may work out better because of it.

Small Talk? No Problem...

2010-03-14T10:44:00.000+10:30

I've always found myself feeling self conscious around relationships. I don't think I'm a very good girlfriend, mainly because I'm a bit of a bitch and I'm crap at small talk. But while I suck at relationships, I've always loved them. I think most people do. Having someone there who loves you, wants you, thinks you're brilliant when in fact you're not that great-- its the best feeling, yes? Especially towards the start when its all new and shiny.

But the thing about relationships, is that good ones don't come around all that often. Sure, you can have fun, you can laugh and cry but really when it all comes down to it, and you think back to those afternoons lounging around; could you really tell him anything? Did you feel loved, did he make you feel safe? Did you want to strangle and kiss him at the same time? Because if you didn't, then maybe you're stuck in the same place as me.

Wondering if anything will ever turn out good in the end.

I will never be a saint.

2010-03-08T23:25:00.001+10:30

You ruin my moments. You stare at me, make me regret, make me wish that I'd not done what I just did. And even when you're not even there, I can feel you behind me. You constantly stop me. You're forever judging me. Forever wanting me to be like you. An angel. A saint. Huh, yeah right.

And why do I listen to you? Why do I care? Because there's nothing stopping me from crossing that line. Nothing at all. Except you.

And you never were important.

I’d be a Glare.

2010-03-03T21:55:00.002+10:30

Found on Jupiter's Own, who found it on Krazy Mad's Blog, and so naturally, now I have to do it.

If I were a month, I’d be June.

If I were a day of the week, I’d be Monday evening.

If I were a time of day, I’d be 3:11.

If I were a planet, I’d be Saturn.
If I were a sea animal, I’d be a Dolphin.
If I were a direction, I’d be North-west.

If I were a piece of furniture, I’d be a Book Shelf.
If I were a liquid, I’d be a Tall Butterscotch Latte.

If I were a gemstone, I’d be Amber. ;D

If I were a tree, I’d be a Peach tree.
If I were a tool, I’d be a Sewing Needle.
If I were a flower, I’d be a Sunflower.
If I were a kind of weather, I’d be a Shower.
If I were a musical instrument, I’d be a Cello.
If I were a color, I’d be Violet.
If I were an emotion, I’d be Stressed.
If I were a fruit, I’d be a Mango.
If I were a sound, I’d be 'Zap'.
If I were an element, I’d be Carbon.

If I were a car, I’d be a Porsche.
If I were a food, I’d be Pasta.
If I were a place, I’d be a Field in the Middle of Nowhere.
If I were a material, I’d be Lace.
If I were a taste, I’d be Bittersweet.
If I were a scent, I’d be Passionfruit&Guava.
If I were an object, I’d be a Stereo.
If I were a body part, I’d be the Eyes.

If I were a facial expression, I’d be a Glare.
If I were a song, I’d be Leave me to love.
If I were a pair of shoes, I’d be Dr.Martens.

Score. I haven't done one of them in ages. This was harder

than I thought it would be....

Oh Sun, please come back.

2010-03-02T17:45:00.000+10:30

Life has this funny way of throwing you in the deep end after a nice picnic in the park. One minute, you're happily eating your crust-less cucumber sandwiches and mini cappuccino cupcakes and then the next you're dripping wet in a pool full of water which makes your hair stand on end for days.

Now, its easy to pick yourself out of the water, grab a towel and shiver until you're dry from the suddenly non-existent sun, but sometimes the hard way is the way that makes you feel better in the end.

So, I encourage all you readers or viewers or even those who quite literally stumbled across my blog- go out there and fight back. Tell life to stick it up the arse, because when it all comes down to it, your life is what you make it. Now, quit reading this and go live it.

Forever waiting,

2010-02-20T13:59:00.002+10:30

Amber tries to write songs.
Song #two.

I'm forever stuck
In a world where I can't fit in
I'm always there, to the side
I'm watching and waitin'

For someone to come around
And save my awful skin
Cause I'm livin'
Living in a world of sin.

And I want you to be there
When I turn around
Just please be there,
Please, close and profound

Because you're my someone,
My prince-in-disguise,
My friends may not like you, but
They've never been too wise

They made me stick
To a life where I don't fit in,
A life I hate, a life I fake,
I've been watching and waitin'

And I just want to lie,
In bed all day, and forget
Forget for a second
What the world thinks.

It doesn't have a set melody,
so whatever you imagine it as is cool.